The Numbers of Life

A: A few nights ago I cried while watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy. It was the first time I have cried in nearly two years. I am not afraid to admit about when I do, but I hardly ever cry ever since I graduated high school. This is probably because I have no feelings.

2: I am always happy when I come home after a hard day's work and add my tips to my slowly growing wad of cash. Then I realize that all that cash will soon be going toward my freakishly expensive credit card bill, and I die a little inside.

3.141: Pumpkin and French Silk are the only pies I will consume, for they are the best and tastiest. No contest. If you disagree, I will make you die a little inside.

IV: I think that the first trilogy (though second universe-chronologically speaking) of the Star Wars universe were decent movies. However, George Lucas has now gone crazy with his vision, and it would have been better for everyone involved if he had just not made Episodes I to III. Except for Natalie Portman, she rules.

.....: If anyone else is as entertained by my choice of bullets for this inane post, then perhaps the world should re-think its breeding policies. If there are more than one of us out there... it does not bode well for the survival of the human race.

Sextuplets: Whoever decided to make the mathematical term for six of something to be prefixed by "sex" was really not considering a middle school geometry class in their calculations. Although I now can say "sextet" without giggling [much], I cannot count the times that our whole class would bring up six-sided shapes just to hear the teacher say its name, "sextagon"! ... Oh, wait, is it not "hexagon"? ... Crap, our teacher was a pervert!

Evensay: Erhapspay eatingay ourfay Arstay Unchescray orfay innderday isay otnay ethay ealthiesthay ayway ofay ivinglay. Iay ouldshay ethinkray ymay ethodsmay ofay ocerygray oppingshay.

9: Hast du meinen Affen geseign? Ich bein schlagsagen.

The Square Root Of One Hundred: Mathematics is truly my favorite subject in all of the world. It makes me a thousand times more sad when I cannot solve a simple equation (involving change for instance) versus when I cannot remember what my close friends' names are, for instance. Is that bad?

ll: I use any opportunity I have to make a wish. Whether it be touching the clock when the minutes equal the hour (though it only truly counts when it is on a twenty-four hour clock or in the double digits [for hours] on a regular one), blowing away an eyelash, seeing a shooting star, or saying "peanut butter" when you go over railroad tracks.

6+6: What do I wish for? If I told you it would not come true.

Lucky Number: Oh fine, I wish for a pony.

Today's Date: Nothing exciting happened today, but that is because yesterday was Friday the 13th. I told everyone to whom I delivered pizzas that I almost died about thirteen times going to their house, which was a lie. I did this about thirteen times before I realized it was not as funny as I had hoped. I then really did almost die thirteen times on a way to one guy's house, but I did not tell him, thinking he would not believe me because I had been telling everyone the same story. It did not occur to me that he did not know that.

One Five: If I were going to remake all the numbers, I know what the first one to go would be. The teens. Without rhyme or reason, they do not follow the same pattern as the ones before them, and the twenties and on after. Who wrote this language, and why were they so illogical?

Sweet: Some of you may complain that "the teens" is not one, specific number, as I alluded to immediately before exposing the proposed reconstruction of number-hood. All I have to say to you is this. Six, sixteen, twenty-six, thirty-six... etc. Even though it sounds horrible to us now, it could have easily been teen-six, or tensix, or something far less dumb and confusing then it is.

The Age I Got My Driver's License: I got in an accident while I was pulling away from the DMV after passing my test. Sorry about that Poppy!

Adulthood: I do not think a majority of people, when they hit a certain age, suddenly become competent enough to decide for themselves whether they should smoke, join the army, vote, or any number of things. That being said, I do not think many so-called "adults" really deserve these privileges either, so I guess it would not help if we delayed it.

Dix-Neuf: Despite the fact that it does not happen until the late "teens", the French actually put ten in front. I applaud their half-assed effort.

You Thought I May Not End: If someone can explain the reasoning behind each and every bullet point, and what it has to do with the content that follows, that person would be me... and then they would be too sexy for their shirt.

The Alphabet of Life

Apple: One a day will not keep the doctor away, no matter how hard you throw it. I have, however, found that other items may be useful in this venture. They are: garlic, holy water, silver bullets (these are no more effective than regular bullets, but I think you should silver-ize them anyway), and not having health insurance.

Bear: What kind is the best? If you answered 'black' then you are wrong. The correct answer is actually Smokey. He rocks your socks off, and remember, only you can refrain from idiocy and fire-starting activities, I get to keep doing it.

Creativity: One of the many things I do not lack. Another is modesty.

Death: I am determined to live forever or die in the attempt.

Egg: I like to put all of mine in one basket. I find splitting them up into multiple baskets diminishes the effectiveness of the individual basket and makes it feel bad. Some people might follow this same procedure and just use smaller eggs so that in the event of an accident, less is wasted, but I just remind them that an omelette cannot be made without breaking a few eggs, so why not just enjoy breakfast?

Fence: I have one around my heart, but it is made of candy. Poison candy.

Gikik: In high school, one of my identification cards randomly did not get printed correctly. Instead of my name, my student ID number, and a bar code, it had a white space with "Gikik" printed in the middle. Who or what "Gikik" is I may never know, but I am glad to have been a part of it.

Headlight: For some reason I can never remember to turn mine off, even though I have no need to turn them on in the first place because they are the daytime running kind. What does this mean, psychologically speaking?

Ism: I do not believe in isms, I just believe in me.

Jelly: I prefer it over jam any day. I could not actually tell you which one was which, but jam just reminds me of traffic, which I hate. Therefore, it loses.

Kaleidoscope: The color that I see and identify as "green" may very well be completely differently seen by you, to such a degree that your colors are not at all the same as mine. Perhaps everyone's favorite color (while varying by name) is actually the same color after all. So, next time someone asks you what your favorite color is, punch them in the nose and steal their wallet.

Lorax: If he were around today, do you think he would be happy? I think so. I think he would really like DQ Blizzards. I know I do.

Milk: Am I the only one who thinks that drinking the baby food for a completely different species is a little odd? Why the heck did this whole practice start, and why can I not stop eating ice cream? Delicious ice cream... mmm...

No: Negative. Absolutely Not! No Way! As If! Puh-lease! Whatever. Think Again. I Don't Think So! What? Maybe. Outlook Not So Good. Not Even If You Were The Last Man on Earth. [silence] Get a Life! Yeah Right. *sigh* Know.

Oversleeping: Monday night [Tuesday morning] I stayed up until 4:30 AM working on my homework so that I could be a good student and have it all done before class. I then proceeded to fall asleep and wake up at 11:15 AM (my class goes 7:30 AM to 10:20 AM) to the sound of my boss calling me and asking if I was planning on coming in to work (I was scheduled at eleven o'clock). Thursday morning was a similar scene, though my body woke me up at 8:30 AM instead of after class was over. Missing 1½ out of 3 classes so far is no good. Conclusion: Doing homework is bad for your health.

Pizza: For your information, tipping a delivery guy less than $3 is usually unacceptable. If you can afford to pay whatever the markup between store-bought, home-cooked, and pre-cooked, hand-delivered food is, then you can also spare the extra cash for the person bringing it to your door. Give a hoot, don't be cheap.

Quandary: Johnny has 12 crayons. He gives 4 crayons to Julie. He gives 3 crayons to Lindsey. He gives 5 markers to Robert. How many crayons does he have left? Bonus Point: Who does he like best? You might say it was Robert, but actually it is Stephanie. He gave her something else behind the seesaw.

Recess: It is most certainly the best subject in school, and now I hear that some schools are actually removing it from their schedule in order to promote safety and cut down on acting out. I tell you, who is more likely to be a problem child, the kid who hates school and is stuck there non-stop for eight hours at a time? or the kid who hates school but gets to be a pirate for a half-hour after lunch? Nine times out of ten I bet the pirate kid is crazy. Way to go school system for curbing his hallucinations and keeping me safe!

Shoe: The next time you are about to get angry or upset at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, after you are finished, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

Tango: It may take two, but it should also be pointed out that three is too many. I cannot count the amount of times in my life that I have been part of a mixed-sex group of three friends who wound up in some sort of convoluted romantic triangle. If you find yourself in this situation, investigate two things: are you not getting whatever feelings you have towards one of the members reciprocated? and are the other two are hanging out without you? If they are, start finding some new friends, you just entered "Third Wheel Town".

Underwater: Adventures of any kind are very fun. If I ever get the chance, I plan on seeking lost civilizations, and I will start in the ocean. That way, if I end up not finding them, at least I could say that I was a mermaid once. I would be lying, obviously, but I would know a whole lot about the animals under there so maybe I could convince some people it was a true story.

Vandalism: Here is a day in the life of Wikipedia. "Dum-de-dum-dum... just going to work to be the awesomest website ever. La-de-da... helping people learn about stuff they did not even know they wanted to know about. Do-de-do... I am so great. Wait, oh my GOSH!!! Some random contributer is falsifying information on various articles! Please stop the madness! Those poor researchers will now think that agriculture started ten years ago instead of ten thousand! Is there anybody out there? I am dying... *cough cough* Please help me!" Stop the spread of misinformation; kill a Wiki-vandal today.

Weatherman: My superhero persona controls the weather. He wears a sky-blue spandex body suit (to represent the sky), grey shorts (clouds), a clear cape (wind), a yellow helmet (the sun), black boots (the earth), a rainbow belt (rainbows), and a badge on his chest that changes based on the current weather. Also, he carries a squirt gun to combat the Wicked Witch, Quick-Dry Cement Man, and thirst.

X: The most useless letter of the alphabet can easily be replaced by substituting e, k, and s for wherever it may be needed. Yeah, I know there are exceptions, but c'mon, why does xylophone not start with z? English is stupid, that is why.

Yarn: I think kitties have it all figured out. They can be content playing with whatever happens to be found on the floor. I think we should all live our lives in such a fashion: care-free and easily entertained. I am not advocating we all do our business in the sandbox though, that would just be unsanitary.

Zoo: Yup, still depressing.

Celebrate the Independence of Your Nation By Blowing Up a Small Part of It

note: the videos on the page have disappeared from the Internet; who would have thought we'd ever stop using MySpace?!